Fast Five

PG-13 for violent car crashes, women’s asses, the interchangeable use thereof


Diary of a Person with a Very Short Attention Span Viewing This Trailer for the First Time:

0:15: I’m totally giving up on this trailer if I don’t see a recognizable star in the next… oh, hi Vin Diesel!

0:36: A hundred million dollars? I don’t get it, is that a lot? I need some kind of visual here…. Mmm, better.

0:45: I’ve seen cars swerve, and cars skid, but why haven’t any cars crashed yet? … Ah, here we go.

0:51: I’m plagued by a question: are Dwayne Johnson’s arms still as thick as redwoods? Unless this trailer gives me a good look… whoa, HELLO.

1:05: Is it just me, or have there not been ANY half-naked women yet? I’ll need to see 6 different writhing female bodies in the next three seconds, or I’m out.

1:08: Okay, I’m still in. But what about bikinis?

1:11: Better, better.

1:19: I love explosions as much as anybody, but shouldn’t they be mixed in with some sucker punches?

1:23: Hey, a voice over. Maybe he’ll give us a corny catchphrase.

1:32: An airborne vehicle? Oh, please, please, PLEASE let it collide with another, much larger vehicle.

1:46: Now, I know the male characters are busy driving cars, but does that have to stop them from making out with hot actresses?

1:49: Okay, attention span waning. Time to intercut, intercut, intercut!

2:00: All right, it’s been eleven seconds of intercutting. I feel like I could devote some attention to a sustained slow-motion moment, as long as it defies common sense that anyone would survive it.

2:18: Misplaced my calendar; when does summer start, again? … sure, April-ish. That sounds close enough.

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