R for manly screams, disembowelment, prolonging the three-year drought since Freida Pinto has seen a half-decent script

Release Date: November 11, 2011


It’s taken 2500 years, but finally, the Greeks can see their myths as they always imagined them: gory, derivative, and poorly scripted.

“Yes, perfect,” the Greeks are saying now from their heavenly ambrosia farms. “We always imagined that battle scene looking just like Helm’s Deep from Lord of the Rings.”

Then they clap their hands and praise Tarsam Singh as the ideal choice for director, pointing to¬†quotes from him describing the film as a “hardcore action film done in Renaissance painting style” and “a bit like Baz Luhrman doing Romeo + Juliet in Mexico.”

“That’s always how we pictured the aesthetic,” smile the Greeks as they sip nectar cocktails. “Like an Australian director doing an American reinterpretation of a British play set in Mexico. We can’t wait for this one.”

4 thoughts on “Immortals

  1. Expanding on the international theme, there are two things about these “epic” movies that just hit the nail on the head for me:
    1) The stunning uniformity of the warriors’ shields, because the local blacksmith had already been run out of business by cheap Chinese manufacturing.
    2) The ubiquity of British accents, because nothing makes those epic monologues more epic than imagining Hugh Grant doing the voice overs in the editing booth.

  2. Huh. I’ve never really questioned the fact that all people from the past, no matter what their culture or continent, had British accents. Are you saying that’s wrong?

  3. I won’t pretend I’m an authority on this issue because I’ve never been to Greece (either via a time machine or a Boeing), but I’ll admit that I am a little worried the Hollywood big shots are pulling a fast one on this. Information gap exploitation by the one-percenters – typical.

  4. Pingback: Trailer: Wrath of the Titans | PG-13 for Ugly Cast

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