R for satanic hellfire, grisly demons, dubious numerology
Release Date: November 11, 2011
How to Make a Forgettable Horror Film in Eleven Easy Steps
1. Make the release date an important part of the premise, so that three months from now, nobody will accidentally mistake your film for relevant.
2. Build the entire film around a number that nobody thinks is especially scary – like, say 11.
3. Cast no recognizable actors.
4. Use no discernible plot.
5. Shun originality in any of its insidious forms.
6. Do your best to convey the impression that you saw The Omen on June 6, 2006, and spent the next five years kicking yourself for not thinking to release a film on 6-6-06.
7. Work in lots of disjointed images, like fiery angels and scorched children – but be sure not to accidentally slip into narrative coherence. This could undermine everything you’re working for.
8. Kill off all the female characters, so that no teenage boy has any expectation of seeing attractive women. This will shrink your audience and get your movie out of theaters faster.
9. Boast that your director worked on Saw II, Saw III, and Saw IV, but not on Saw.
10. Include enough religious gobbledygook to deter people of faith, but not enough to actually offend them.
11. Make sure that your release date coincides with a national day of honor and remembrance for veterans. This is when people are most interested in frivolous, escapist thrills.
Happy Veterans Day, everybody!