PG-13 for more explosions in two hours than actually occurred in the entire 19th century
Release Date: December 16, 2011
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Inevitable Sequel
As the film reel spun to its end and the mechanical hiss set in, Watson scoffed emphatically.
“What the devil is this garbage, Holmes?” he spat, gesturing towards the screen. “Tremendous explosions, strange idioms, and disjointed images of you being peppered by bullets as you run through a forest?”
“Ah, my poor, dim-witted doctor,” Holmes said. “My drooling, imbecilic friend.”
“I asked you to stop saying things like that,” Watson pleaded.
“If facts were chisels, Watson, they still might not penetrate that thick slab of granite you call a skull.”
“Well, Holmes, if your intelligence dwarfs mine so greatly–”
“Yes, as a whale dwarfs the barnacles that cling to its belly,” Holmes clarified.
“If you’re so sharp-witted, Holmes, then you tell me: What explains this strange film that you have just shown me?”
Holmes laughed. “Elementary, my barnacle-brained associate. In 2009, Sherlock Holmes made $524 million at the box office. The sequel was inevitable.”
“But Holmes,” Watson said, “there’s one thing I don’t understand.”
“The number of things that you do not understand defies mathematical expression,” Holmes said. “So long as the world has untied shoelaces, there will always be puzzles beyond your comprehension.”
“But what I don’t understand, Holmes, is why you dress as a woman in this film. Isn’t that a bit cheap?”
“Watson,” said Holmes, “I’d like you to start counting to $524 million, and let me know when you finish.”