“Bernie” Confirms Our Homicidal Suspicions About Jack Black

PG-13 for folksy morticians, incriminating jet skis, and mustaches that will challenge your suspension of disbelief

Release Date: April 27, 2012


I prefer Jack Black in small doses, especially after he has ingested his own, slightly larger doses of sedatives.

With two exceptions – Kung Fu Panda, to which he lends only his voice and not his leering visage, and The Muppets, where he plays a hysterical hostage version of himself – Jack Black mostly just frightens me. The beady eyes, the manic gestures, the inhuman grin – not my cup of tea. Or even my cup of tolerable actor. More like my cup of homicidal maniac waiting to strike. But hey, to each his own – and if you get a kick out of Jack Black, then power to you; I simply urge you to occasionally kick him back.

As you can see from the trailer, Bernie is an allegory, with Jack Black representing himself, the smitten townspeople representing all you deluded Jack Black fans out there, and skeptical sheriff Matthew McConaughey representing me. (It’s not the first time that McConaughey and I have shared an allegorical correspondence, and I can’t promise it’ll be the last, either.)

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