“The Lucky One”: Just How Many Kisses Can We, the Women of America, Expect from Zac Efron?

PG-13 for tender embraces, the soft kiss of destiny, the even softer kiss of Zac Efron

Release Date: April 20, 2012

 

“You should be kissed every day, every hour, every minute.”

Whoa there, Zac. Let’s pin this down. Are you saying (interpretation #1) she should be kissed every minute, on the minute, as well as every hour on the hour, and every day at midnight? If so, that adds up to:

1440 minute-kisses
+24 hour-kisses
+1 day-kiss

= 1465 kisses per day. Is this really a sustainable pace, Zac? That’s 10,000 kisses per week, 44,000 per month, and an ambitious 534,000 per year. You seem unafraid of emotional commitment, but this is a different kind of commitment. Imagine the sleepless nights spent kissing her on the forehead every 60 seconds. Imagine being unable to leave her for even a day or two, because you would build up an insurmountable kiss debt. Imagine the lip balm expenses. Are you really ready for this?

Or, are you saying (interpretation #2) that the appropriate number of kisses is somewhere between one per day and one per minute? If so, then you’ve got some explaining to do, because your estimates differ by 3 orders of magnitude. It’s like saying, “You deserve a man who makes $1 million per year. Or maybe $1000.” Or, “You deserve to have a cat. I mean, 1200 cats.” For God’s sake, man, give the lady a figure she can work with! How is she supposed to plan her day, knowing that she may be kissed anywhere between 1 and 1440 times?