“The Cold Light of Day” Offers the Warm, Urine-Scented Bath of Familiarity

PG-13 for ominous briefcases, murky abduction scenarios, the blinding gleam of a bald action hero’s head

Release Date: September 7, 2012

WHAT YOU SEE IN THE TRAILER

Bruce Willis: Did you set me up?!
Sigourney Weaver (with an incredulous laugh): Did I set you up?
Bruce Willis: DID YOU SET ME UP?!

WHAT HAPPENED ON SET

Willis: Did you set me up?
Weaver: (with an incredulous laugh): Did I set you up? Bruce, are you ad-libbing cliches here, or what?
Willis: No, Sigourney, that’s my line. Continue reading

Advertisements

“The Dictator” Aims to Please – or Displease, Whichever is Easier

R for intense accents, bushy facial hair, some mild oppression

Release Date: May 18, 2012

 

Having already incurred the litigious wrath of Kazakhstan, Romania, Southern frat boys, and the elderly – and, probably, grown too famous for his old shtick to work anyway – Sacha Baron-Cohen here abandons the mockumentary style of his TV series and first two films.

Instead, he plays a fictional dictator from a fictional country, costarring not with hapless civilians but with actual actors following – get this! – a script. It’s almost as if Baron-Cohen is trying not to get sued. Has he lost his edge?

Well, if you ask Ryan Seacrest, no.

In “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” Expect Only the Expected

PG-13 for toxic hormone levels, babies eating cigarettes, intimidatingly large cast

Release Date: May 18, 2012

 

If you’ve got a few hours to kill, go read the cast list for this movie. You’ll encounter roughly 16 overlapping plot lines, which is how all the great movies are made these days, if by “all the great movies” we mean “Love Actually and a bunch of crappy knock-offs.” Continue reading

Hasbro Blockbuster “Battleship” Evidently Horrifies Its Own Cast

PG-13 for a vast ocean, devoid of plot, with only one human standing between you and a lethal barrage of special effects

Release Date: May 18, 2012

 

Battleship, a new movie from Hasbro, is a loyal, scene-by-scene recreation of the board game.

Just kidding! It’s loosely inspired by the game, and more directly inspired by the idea of making a lot of money. Luckily, they’ve decided to quote the actors’ reaction to this shaky premise directly in the trailer.

Liam Neeson (with typical restraint): “I want this thing thoroughly investigated.” (0:40)

Josh Pence (urgently): “I don’t think that’s a good idea!” (0:48)

Taylor Kitsch (master of understatement): “That’s not good.” (1:01)

Rihanna (understandably hysterical): “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!” (1:03)

Asian Boy (turning towards the camera): [expression of irked incredulity] (1:07) Continue reading

“Dark Shadows”: Burton and Depp Continue Their Sultry Tango

PG-13 for sex-fights, tapered vampire fingers, tiny songstresses who may or may not reveal themselves

Release Date: May 11, 2012

 

Let’s now raise a glass and toast these two star-crossed lovers, these cinematic soul mates, this director of creepy movies and this good-looking creep who stars in them – ladies and gentlemen, Tim and Johnny. Continue reading

“The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”: Our Recipe for Comedy Tikka Masala

PG-13 for one nation’s crippling poverty, another nation’s crotchety old people, and the instant comedy that results

Release Date: May 4, 2012

 

PG-13 for Ugly Cast (or, as the kids are calling it these days, PG:13-FUC) is proud to present its famous family recipe for Comedy Tikka Masala. Try it at home!

Ingredients:

Seven (7) old Brits
One (1) fresh-faced young Indian
One (1) dilapidated hotel, not unsanitary
A handful of platitudes

Instructions: Continue reading

“The Avengers” Quiz: How Big a Fan Are You?

PG-13 for quiet, meditative scenes of intimate character drama

Release Date: May 4, 2012

 

Quiz: How Well Do You Know the Avengers?

1. What do you get when you throw together half a dozen strong-willed action stars and task them with saving the world?

A) A very dysfunctional Cabinet
B) A pretty cool alternative to the UN Security Council
C) A world that probably doesn’t get saved
D) $400 million Continue reading