The Blog Knight Rises

If there’s one lesson Hollywood teaches us (a dubious premise, to be fair), it’s this: there’s always profit in sequels.

Since our last post in May, this blog has welcomed nearly 7,000 additional visitors. They have come searching freedom, prosperity, a better life for their children. They have come searching “jumping salmon fish” and “los muppets piggy” and “can you trace all cats back to Ernest Hemingway.” (Seriously – somebody got here by typing that into Google. Great question, isn’t it?) We went away, but you kept on coming back, demanding that sequel.

Which is why I’m pleased to announce that PG-13 for Ugly Cast has been sold to Disney.

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As the Summer Begins, a Blog Ends

PG-13 for Ugly Cast was born on August 15, 2011, from the ashes an underwhelming summer blockbuster season.

Now, on May 6, 2011, at the dawn of a far more promising summer, it ends.

It’s been an odd journey. I want to say thanks to the family and friends who kept reading, even when my fascination with bad trailers far outstripped theirs. I also offer a tip of my cap to the several thousand random denizens of the internet who stumbled here, searching for War Horse photos, Mission Impossible fanfiction, and whatever mysterious truth you seek when you type “Ryan Gosling ugly” into your Google search bar. May your haphazard presence continue to grace these humble pages. And a special thank-you in advance to whatever anonymous soul grants this site its 10,000th pageview, which should happen sometime later this week.

I have mixed feelings about closing the book on PG-13FUC. Some throwaway posts inexplicably caught fire. (For whatever reason, my mathematical critique of The Lucky One has been read nearly 700 times.) Some of my favorite posts languished unnoticed. I occasionally found inspiration, and more often made do without it. I realized slowly that no matter how much I love reading it, this kind of breezy, snarky pop culture commentary doesn’t quite play to my strengths (or my interests) as a writer. Other projects beckon. It’s time to move on.

This blog will not go anywhere, of course. It will sit right here, a deceased inhabitant of that strange city called the Internet, where the cemetery lies scattered among the streets of the living. And who knows – maybe I’ll swing back occasionally, if only to complete my promised seven-part series of Muppet reviews.

In the meantime, thanks again for reading, and enjoy the movies!


“The Dictator” Aims to Please – or Displease, Whichever is Easier

R for intense accents, bushy facial hair, some mild oppression

Release Date: May 18, 2012


Having already incurred the litigious wrath of Kazakhstan, Romania, Southern frat boys, and the elderly – and, probably, grown too famous for his old shtick to work anyway – Sacha Baron-Cohen here abandons the mockumentary style of his TV series and first two films.

Instead, he plays a fictional dictator from a fictional country, costarring not with hapless civilians but with actual actors following – get this! – a script. It’s almost as if Baron-Cohen is trying not to get sued. Has he lost his edge?

Well, if you ask Ryan Seacrest, no.

In “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” Expect Only the Expected

PG-13 for toxic hormone levels, babies eating cigarettes, intimidatingly large cast

Release Date: May 18, 2012


If you’ve got a few hours to kill, go read the cast list for this movie. You’ll encounter roughly 16 overlapping plot lines, which is how all the great movies are made these days, if by “all the great movies” we mean “Love Actually and a bunch of crappy knock-offs.” Continue reading

Hasbro Blockbuster “Battleship” Evidently Horrifies Its Own Cast

PG-13 for a vast ocean, devoid of plot, with only one human standing between you and a lethal barrage of special effects

Release Date: May 18, 2012


Battleship, a new movie from Hasbro, is a loyal, scene-by-scene recreation of the board game.

Just kidding! It’s loosely inspired by the game, and more directly inspired by the idea of making a lot of money. Luckily, they’ve decided to quote the actors’ reaction to this shaky premise directly in the trailer.

Liam Neeson (with typical restraint): “I want this thing thoroughly investigated.” (0:40)

Josh Pence (urgently): “I don’t think that’s a good idea!” (0:48)

Taylor Kitsch (master of understatement): “That’s not good.” (1:01)

Rihanna (understandably hysterical): “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!” (1:03)

Asian Boy (turning towards the camera): [expression of irked incredulity] (1:07) Continue reading

“Dark Shadows”: Burton and Depp Continue Their Sultry Tango

PG-13 for sex-fights, tapered vampire fingers, tiny songstresses who may or may not reveal themselves

Release Date: May 11, 2012


Let’s now raise a glass and toast these two star-crossed lovers, these cinematic soul mates, this director of creepy movies and this good-looking creep who stars in them – ladies and gentlemen, Tim and Johnny. Continue reading

“The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”: Our Recipe for Comedy Tikka Masala

PG-13 for one nation’s crippling poverty, another nation’s crotchety old people, and the instant comedy that results

Release Date: May 4, 2012


PG-13 for Ugly Cast (or, as the kids are calling it these days, PG:13-FUC) is proud to present its famous family recipe for Comedy Tikka Masala. Try it at home!


Seven (7) old Brits
One (1) fresh-faced young Indian
One (1) dilapidated hotel, not unsanitary
A handful of platitudes

Instructions: Continue reading